Introducing the H2O Diet

Righto readers, there comes a time in every professional’s career when you decide to join them, rather than beat them. Or at least try to trump them. ‘Them’ being anyone who has ever peddled a diet or promised weight loss and wellness on an eating program. 

You may have previously read my thoughts on the Australian Dietary Guidelines, gluten, paleo, sugar and why moderation is sexy. Well, today I say bugger it! What was I thinking! I’m flipping the bird at science and conventional wisdom. If Gwyneth Paltrow, Kym Kardashian, Miranda Kerr, Miranda Kerr’s mum, Pete Evans, the anti-sugar brigade (who oddly use high sugar syrups in replace of table sugar) can create their own or endorse a particular diet, then why can’t I? I want to cash in too.

So here goes: Today I’m announcing my H₂O diet*. It’s ingenious, even if I say so myself. The diet simply involves drinking water. And lots of it. Why waste your time with food, let alone calorie counting? This diet is calorie-free. Rather than exclude just one food group, exclude all five! Water is all you will ever need on this diet plan. It is the magic elixir that can totally transform your body. In no time at all, you’ll be staring into the mirror at a better and skinnier you. It will literally wash away the fat and the toxins from your body. You will be a fat-burning machine! And a lean muscle-burning machine too. Why discriminate? It will all just evaporate.

I can’t believe no one has thought of it before. Sorry Dietitians Association of Australia and health professionals, but I thought of it first.

Never mind sugar, gluten, fructose, carbs, fat, vitamins and minerals, none of these are important when you are on the H₂O diet. Most of them are toxic anyway. And this diet is so damn easy! It’s guaranteed to work too. I don’t need science to prove it. I just know that it does. Lose weight quickly, reduce your blood sugar levels, triglycerides, and cholesterol and feel great too. This diet is hassle-free and requires no juice blenders, meat tenderisers, pots or pans. Just a glass or some type of drinking vessel is all you’ll need. Think of how much money you’ll save too! No more supermarket expenses, no more wasting money at expensive restaurants or cafes. Going out for meals with your partner and mates is overrated anyway. Your bank balance and your waistline will thank you.

The results will speak for themselves. We may even recruit an investigative journalist who lives on fast food and soft drink to trial it, just to prove it to you. All other diets will pale by comparison.

And there’s no need for diet manuals, how-to guides or even recipe books. Anyone who can turn on a tap can follow this diet.

Now, just a word of warning, there will be those pesky dietitians and other health professionals who will try to persuade you not to go on this diet. They’ll babble on about it being unsafe and unsustainable. Yada yada. They may even try to alarm you by telling you that it will harm your unborn baby or newborn. But, please do not listen to them. They are only jealous that they didn’t devise the H₂O diet first. They may claim to have science on their side, but I can categorically state that it will work for you. I have tried it and it worked for me. My sample study of 1 person surely must prove that this diet works. Randomised controlled trials and meta-analyses are all just gobbledygook anyway. I could even get celebrities to provide testimonies. Why would anyone ever doubt the word of a TV star? They are so much more attractive and of course, therefore more trustworthy than scientists anyway.

So who is with me? Open your hearts and your minds to the power of the H₂O diet. Watch your body transform before your very eyes. The H₂O diet is the diet to end all diets. In fact, some may even say that it’s a lifestyle rather than a diet. Embrace the movement!

Cheers to a skinny future.

*Please DO NOT under any circumstances attempt this diet.